Curdled Milk, Chocolate Cow
by spittlepig
Summary: A barnyard invasion is imminent, snot and hooves will fly...R for corse language
1. In The Four Bellies of the Bull

TITLE: Curdled Milk, Chocolate Bull  
AUTHOR: Ananova Crowe  
SUMMARY: Stomping grounds are about to be invaded, and a war will be fought...  
RATING: PG-13/R i dunno, depends on what i write later  
AUTHOR'SNOTE: I'm back!! Woo-hoo!! it feels so good to be home!!! *stretches out on SYL fic couch* oooo! comfy! and look! my butt print's still there! *wipes away tear* aw, the memories...   
  
P.O.V = Jane  
:: indicates thought ::  
  
CHAPTER ONE  
In The Four Bellies Of The Bull  
  
"Jane?"   
  
::He was fidgety, he was only this way when there was something wrong. "I, have something very important t-to, tell you," his words were spaced, that meant he was about to tell me something I probably didn't want to know.  
  
Oh no, was he ending our marriage? No, no. Everything's going so well. That couldn't be it… …could it?::  
  
"Now, I know that this is gonna involve a lot of discussion, and I completely agree…" ::Why is he grabbing my hand? Is there something wrong with him? Is he dying? He's shaking and sweating all over and his hands are cold.   
  
Does he have a mistress he hasn't been telling me about? Now that I think about it, the apartment does smell kind of different when I come home lately. But-nah. I would have caught him; he's not that smart.  
  
I mean, I give the poor guy some credit, but once it comes out of the realm of boobs and bed, he's a blind man explaining the color blue.  
  
God, he's really nervous. It looks like he's going to keel over. And he's stuttering so much he's starting to sound like the Rain Man.::  
  
I grab both his hands and try to calm him, looking him straight in the eye. "Eddie?" He nods his head, droplets of sweat sliding off his brow.   
  
::He's back to fidgeting again. It's more like squirming really, yeah, squirming like a worm under a microscope. Let's pin this sucker down.::   
  
"What the hell is going on?" I whisper it so the other tables don't hear it. It probably wouldn't be too nice to shout out profanity in a nice restaurant.  
  
::I feel weird, all dressed up and doing nothing but sitting here. I couldn't eat, because as soon as we sat down, Eddie plowed through three whole orders of entrees, before I had to convince him that our meals would come soon.  
  
I mean, he consumed all the breadsticks like they were nothing. He's really starting to scare me.  
  
And you should have seen him while we were getting ready, he was so neurotic! His hands were shaking so much that he dropped his toothbrush in the toilet! And the weirdest part was, Eddie never brushes his teeth - besides morning and afternoon - but not on communal events, not even when we go out! The most he usually does is eat a stick of gum, then spit it out before we go into public.  
  
I just don't understand him tonight.  
  
Look. He's pulling on his tie again. I didn't tie it that tight, at least, I tried not to. He reminds of those little kids you see sitting in the back pews of the church, trying to get out of their Sunday clothes.  
  
Anyway, he looks like he's gonna pass out.::  
  
"Well, um," He licks his lips, the color gone from his face. "There were- was. There was, a, uh, woman, be-before you, that, that I…i…i…iii I dated."  
  
::That's what he took me down here for? Well that's the most insightful news flash I've ever heard.::  
  
"Yeah?" I'm not that surprised. Maybe one of 'em died, those poor old cows. But some of 'em, I wouldn't be surprised if they sprouted horns and spontaneously combusted.  
  
"Well, she was before, before 'becca too…"  
  
::Now I know what a neurotic breakdown looks like. Interesting.::  
  
"Uh-huh…" I coax him on. Still holding his cold, shaky hands.  
  
"Well, we, uh, did it…"  
  
"Did it?"  
  
"You know," he makes some motions with his shaky hands, but hides them when someone walks by. "IT."  
  
"Oh." ::Sex. I never thought he'd be so shy talking about it. The only time he's casual with it is when he's gloating about it, but that's all a façade. Hmm. Never knew that.:: "So…?"   
  
::I'm still not getting it.::  
  
"Well, we um-I mean, she was…" Poor brute looks like he's just come inside from the rain. The key thing is that it's not raining.  
  
"Her name was Charlotte,"  
  
"Charlotte?" ::Never heard that one before, and believe you me, I thought I'd heard them all.::   
  
"Yeah…"  
  
"Okay, what about her?" ::He's tugging at his tie again. Maybe he hates ties.::  
  
"Well, something happened and this is gonna take some discussing, but-"  
  
"You said that," ::I'm getting tired of this, I know he doesn't mean to, but it's really rubbing me the wrong way.::  
  
I grab his hands again and hold on tight.  
  
"Eddie." I make him look me in the eye. "Tell me, in plain English, what you need to say. It doesn't matter what you say, I won't get mad, angry, distressed, or sad. Just tell me."  
  
He takes a really deep breath, then does his monologue.  
  
"I dated Charlotte before Rebecca and we were really close. But not that close, because I didn't feel the same way with her as I did with 'becca and you right now, where we have this lasting relationship. And so, Charlotte and I, we dated for about six months and like how all my dates go, we had a couple or more flings and well, something recently happened to Charlotte and a problem's come up that really needs some discussion. And if you would agree to it, it'd be great, but if you don't I understand. And I'm not holding you accountable, it's just that I feel that in our marriage we've gotten to a point where we need to discuss things together and I felt that you should be included in this, considering you are living in the same place, but I'm in a hole here and I could really use your help."  
  
::Damn. That's what i forgot to put on my promise list : wonderment.::   
  
I just kinda sit back and smile.  
  
::I have no clue what he just said. I got to "I", then I was gone.  
  
But from the looks of it, he just spilled his guts across the table and gave me a new meal to munch on. Or fat to chew, ha, ha…that wasn't funny…::  
  
"So…what're you saying?"   
  
Another big breath.  
  
"Jane. I want you to meet my daughter." 


	2. Why Should All The Flies Revolve Around ...

CHAPTER TWO  
Why Should All The Flies Revolve Around You?  
  
::What is he talking about?::   
  
I've met his daughter; it's the nine-inch bundle of joy I shoved out of me and into this world for thirteen hours. God knows I should have met his daughter by now.::  
  
I just sit there, mulling over it. He leans forward.  
  
"Honey?" He seems scared that I'm gonna explode or something.  
  
Then, suddenly, it all clicks together. He begins to say something else, but i put my finger out and connect with his lips, keeping them where they are.  
  
"So..." All the pieces kinda come into my head like an accordion being scrunched together, blatting out an ugly tune, "you're telling me that you have a daughter. Two. Two?" I look at him questioningly, as if he's supposed to agree. He kind of does, with his eyes. "You, yo-you have two daughters. Two daughters. But only one with me. But you had another. And that would make...that would make, two. Two daughters."   
  
::Betchya didn't know I was a public speaker, didjya? Yup, that's me, the loudest thing in a restaurant so you can't help but hear me.::   
  
"Are you alright?" He's more embarrassed at my loud thoughts than compassionate.  
  
Off to the corner i can see an old woman in pearls looking at us, her wrinkly hands curled around her glass with glimmering rings. Eddie seems to notice her too, "it's - there's something in the water..." he laughs embarrassingly, then clears his throat.  
  
The woman releases her glass with haste.   
  
Lucky witch. Wish I could do that to this moment.   
  
Eddie leans in close in an attempt to get me to lower my voice, but it doesn't work.  
  
"Two daugh-two daughters? Correct?" I confide for another answer to the same question. "Am i right? Two?"  
  
He kinda bows his head as people watch. "Yeah." He whispers.  
  
I blink the empty vision in front of me and suddenly push my chair back and stand up.  
  
"Jane!" He shouts slightly, reaching for my hand. More people turn away from their dinner for an unexpected show.  
  
I'm in...   
  
...awe?...  
  
...disgust?...  
  
...betrayal?...  
  
I don't know what I'm in.  
  
But Eddie's in deep shit.  
  
"Funny," I lie, finding no other word for the situation. "How you, my husband, have two daughters, and yet, I, your wife, your ONLY wife, knows of one. Funny, almost so funny I wish I could laugh..." my voice trails off at the end, tears boiling instead of laughter.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen," I'm announcing this to the entire restaurant, kind of like something has taken over my body and I'm no longer in control. The people who had tried not to look were now staring in our direction, some were muttering to their companions, and all the waiters had stopped where they were to stare and listen.   
  
"...I have two daughters..."  
  
::That's it. That's all I said. It wasn't an overture, it wasn't a bomb threat, it was just, just, my life. Strange.::   
  
I could have sworn i heard at least one 'boo' and some soft clapping from the tables in the dark corners, but it was mostly covered with mucky muck muttering at the tables.  
  
I sit back down like nothing's happened and unfold my napkin and set it across my lap.  
  
Eddie's face is beet red with embarrassment and its facing the table with his hand on his forehead. His other hand is fidgeting with the salt and peppershaker. From that point on, dinner conversation had ended.  
  
I didn't eat any of my sweet and sour Tai chicken that night, i just kinda picked it apart with my fork, pretending like it was Eddie.   
  
When our waiter, who looked like a hideous cross between Matthew Broderick and the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, came and asked us if we were enjoying our meal, it took all my effort not to say what was dancing on the tip of my tongue.   
  
The cab ride home had been silent too. Eddie talking when needed. But not to me. I refused to talk. I just sat there, coat clutched in my hands, legs together, back straight, jaw locked tight.  
  
The trek up the stairs was silent, Eddie falling back behind me and cowering like a child.  
  
The apartment was quiet except for the soft glow of the television on top of the refrigerator. The babysitter was sitting at the counter, munching at a pizza we had left money for. She turned and greeted us, but i just walked past her and into the back room.  
  
I sat down on my bed and dropped my coat on the floor. I could hear Eddie and the babysitter talking outside.  
  
"Is she alright?" The babysitter.  
  
"No. She's had a rough night." Son of a-i mean, Eddie said.   
  
"I'm sorry. I hope it gets better."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"China's already asleep, and Sushi is with her."  
  
"Thanks Natalie, have a nice night."  
  
"You too. Goodnight Mr. Alden."  
  
Then the front door closed and a silence like no other filled the apartment.  
  
I could hear his hesitant footsteps as he came into the room and stopped in the doorway, afraid i might blow fire at him, i guess.  
  
"I'll just get ready for bed and go out to the couch." He kinda comes in and scoots along the wall, then approaches me, leans down tentatively, and kisses me on the forehead. It's kind of like kissing a cobra.  
  
Then he's out the door and in the bathroom.   
  
I still sit there.  
  
In fact, I sit there for a very long time. Even after he's finished getting ready, shut off all the lights in the apartment, and has made the couch his bed, I'm still sitting on the end of our bed in darkness.  
  
I think it's about two in the morning when i suddenly stand up and go out into the living room. He's asleep, but that doesn't bother me.  
  
"Why in the fucking hell didn't you tell me that you had another daughter?" I scream it. Causing him to jump a clear three feet in the air and tumble off the couch. When he reasserts himself, i attack him.  
  
"Why?! Back in the resturant you said that our marriage was at a point where we could talk. But it was like that before. The moment you said "I do" is the moment conversation was open!"   
  
"You had no right, no right!" My voice is starting to break and my eyes are filling with tears as i violently jab my finger at him. "To keep that much fucking information away from me! What in the hell is wrong with you?!"  
  
He tries to defend himself, but I'm not giving him any breathing room. Then suddenly, my hands around an empty vase.  
  
He speaks. "I - it, it wasn't my fault..."  
  
I'm shocked. Dumbfounded. If there were a word for exactly what I felt, I'm sure the entire world would be up in arms with me.  
  
"Not your fault? NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT?!! When you shove your dick into some whore and screw her brains out, it's not your fault? It's not your fault that YOUR sperm was in her, producing a little person? Not your fault! You FUCK!"  
  
I'm crying hysterically. And suddenly, I've launched the vase at him. It's not that good of a throw, but it's aim is enough.  
  
Eddie tries to duck, but he doesn't turn his head in time and it smacks him hard in the ear. He goes down, while the vase goes spinning into the window behind, everything shattering to a crystalline brilliance.  
  
"You crazy bitch!" Eddie counters as he rises from the ground, his hand cupped around his ear, blood coming out between his fingers and under his palm.   
  
I run at him, completely taken over by raw, animalistic feelings, and shove my shoulder into his chest, knocking him onto the ground, onto his back. I've knocked the air out of him, so as he lies there, gasping like a fish out of water, i lean over him and whisper.  
  
"You wanna know what isn't your fault? Our marriage. It's my fault. I should have never married you. Goodbye Eddie." With that, i take off my ring and lay it in the crevice of his chest.  
  
And then I'm up and out the door.   
  
Gone.  
  
A reckless abandon. 


End file.
